What about sex and infertility?

It’s common knowledge sex is a key factor in a happy couple; I’ve been with my husband for 20 years and I know by experience that unless you have good sex with your partner, your relationship might go through difficult moments. If the sex is good, al the rest is good as well! 

I think we all agree on that, when you have good sex, you glow, you feel happy, more energetic, more optimistic, more relaxed, calmer and much more satisfied. Sex is in our nature, it is the means to the ultimate goal of immortality, which is coming with children; sex is a way to connect with our instincts, with ourselves, with our partner; sex is the best exercise and has shown to be great to keep us healthy (and happy), thanks to the endorphins, the workout, the skin contact, the love and of course thanks to the orgasms. 

Many couples split because they found “love” (/sex) somewhere else, because they did not dare to tell their husband/wife what their desires are, what they like or dislike, what is a turn-on and what is not. 

Talking about sex with your partner is key to having a healthy long lasting relationship. Men and women are biologically different which means that we need different things; if we do not communicate, then misunderstanding is likely. Men tend to be more physical in sex, women more mental.

So, during moments of difficulty, when you are dealing with fertility issues, sex can be uncomfortable and the lack of thereof can put the couple thru a serious crisis. All the tests, explorations and discussions about sperm and oocyte quality can be a real turn-off. When you spend most of your time thinking about your period, your ovulation, your uterus, your hormone levels, how can you get horny?? When you have to check the clock and calendar and have sex on specific day because you are ovulating, how can you feel lust?

The magic is simply gone, that same magic that is supposed to be the core of conception is replaced by frustration and what I call “infertility stress”. Sex is no longer fun, it is just a means to a goal, it lost the appeal ever since you discovered you cannot naturally conceive, because the main reason why we have sex is reproduction, isn’t it?

If we add up all the drugs you are supposed to take when going through IVF procedures, the hormonal stimulation which can throw you into an emotional turmoil and the anxiety coming from the fear to fail, then sex is really no fun, not anymore. 

When my infertility was diagnosed at the age of 26 I was not thinking about having a family yet. I had just started a new relationship with my today’s husband and had too many issues to solve with myself. Still, the moment they told me my body could not give me a pregnancy naturally, I started wishing to be a mother. It’s normal, isn’t it? You are told you cannot have something and you start wanting it, obsessing with it! I cannot remember all the times I internally cried after having sex with my husband, not feeling a real woman, seeing my body as a useless tool, a failure. The three miscarriages didn’t help and for a very long time I felt uncomfortable in my body. I was enjoying sex but afterwards a silent sadness would drown my soul.

Only years after having my daughter I was finally able to let my body really enjoy sex without fear or regret. 

So, how can we have good sex when dealing with infertility?

My recommendation is to openly talk about it, with your partner, your best friends, a fertility doctor or coach, someone who can help get those bad feelings off your chest; then I also recommend to take “romantic” breaks from your fertility journey and spend some time to reconnect with your partner: a short vacation, a nice dinner, a sexy dress. Going back to doing the things you used to do before “the issue”, even if just from time to time, is very important to make you feel you are doing this as a couple and stop seeing each other as sperm and oocytes. 

Remember that, especially with infertility, the right mindset is key to success (I know if first hand!). Don’t be obsessed about getting pregnant, work toward that goal but don’t forget to have some fun in-between, because the how you travel is key to make the trip unforgettable.

If you need help with this or any other fertility-related issues, I will be happy to help. Reach out to me and we can set up a free 1 hour consultation to see how I can help you.

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